But, he graduated, and I stayed an undergrad for another year, operating in a world of limited responsibility, guarded by the comfortable walls of a college dorm and the trappings of college life. Dustin, on the other hand, moved on into the world after college, getting a full time job, buying a house, having responsibilities I hadn't yet realized in my life. Of course, I was hurt when he stopped being the same old fun-loving Dustin and instead of partying with a bunch of undergrads on a Friday night instead headed to bed early because he was tired from a long week of work. I thought our friendship was irreparably changed because our lives were so different.
But, now I understand what he was going through, at least on a basic level. I've never been so busy or had so much responsibility in my life. All of a sudden, I'm responsible for not only taking but also teaching classes, paying bills on time, keeping house, cooking every night, and keeping on top of a near insurmountable amount of reading. Now, I'm not complaining about my life. I chose this path, and I'm doing just fine. I could probably study more, but I'm on top of things. I love having my own apartment, and I always pay my bills on time. I'm doing this adult thing pretty well for someone who is just starting out.
But the point I'm trying to make is this: My friendships have changed, and I think it's because I've changed. The people I loved more than anything just two months ago have stopped calling me. I assume they are out making the most of the freedom they have as undergraduates without much responsibility. I don't blame them. I think they should waste weekends drinking and dancing and spend late nights during the week going for long walks and having long talks with friends and lovers. God knows I did it, and were I there again, I'd still do it.
I don't blame them for not having time for me, because honestly, I don't have time for them. And that's something that hurts me to say. Because while my life has changed, my responsibilities have changed, they still mean a lot to me. But they no longer hold such a big place in my heart, and I don't know if that makes me a bad friend or just a person whose priorities have broadened. I want them to call me, but I don't know what to say to them. We have different lives now, and we'll grow apart. I don't like growing apart, but I know it happens.
Coincidentally, I've reconnected with Dustin and other friends who are in similar situations as me now. Anne's in her first semester of law school, and we email back and forth to give each other support. Robin, my best friend from high school, has come back into my life in a more active role because she's experiencing her first semester of graduate school in full force, just like me. I've found myself longing to talk to these shadows from my past because we can offer each other so much now. We're all struggling and learning and growing up simultaneously. It helps to have a support system.
I've made plans to go to Oxford, MS, over fall break to see Robin. She's stressed about graduate school, and I think taking a day to talk over lunch and forget about research projects and daunting exams will be helpful for both of us. Plus, I miss her.
What I struggle with now is deciding with what intensity I miss my old life. I long for my undergrad freedom and friends from time to time, but as I explore this avenue of life, my longing for who I was grows less intense. I need to be an adult, and I think I'm doing it right. But I still feel guilty for not longing for those I've recently left behind as much as I think I should. I still love them, and I'm learning now how to love without longing.
But, now I understand what he was going through, at least on a basic level. I've never been so busy or had so much responsibility in my life. All of a sudden, I'm responsible for not only taking but also teaching classes, paying bills on time, keeping house, cooking every night, and keeping on top of a near insurmountable amount of reading. Now, I'm not complaining about my life. I chose this path, and I'm doing just fine. I could probably study more, but I'm on top of things. I love having my own apartment, and I always pay my bills on time. I'm doing this adult thing pretty well for someone who is just starting out.
But the point I'm trying to make is this: My friendships have changed, and I think it's because I've changed. The people I loved more than anything just two months ago have stopped calling me. I assume they are out making the most of the freedom they have as undergraduates without much responsibility. I don't blame them. I think they should waste weekends drinking and dancing and spend late nights during the week going for long walks and having long talks with friends and lovers. God knows I did it, and were I there again, I'd still do it.
I don't blame them for not having time for me, because honestly, I don't have time for them. And that's something that hurts me to say. Because while my life has changed, my responsibilities have changed, they still mean a lot to me. But they no longer hold such a big place in my heart, and I don't know if that makes me a bad friend or just a person whose priorities have broadened. I want them to call me, but I don't know what to say to them. We have different lives now, and we'll grow apart. I don't like growing apart, but I know it happens.
Coincidentally, I've reconnected with Dustin and other friends who are in similar situations as me now. Anne's in her first semester of law school, and we email back and forth to give each other support. Robin, my best friend from high school, has come back into my life in a more active role because she's experiencing her first semester of graduate school in full force, just like me. I've found myself longing to talk to these shadows from my past because we can offer each other so much now. We're all struggling and learning and growing up simultaneously. It helps to have a support system.
I've made plans to go to Oxford, MS, over fall break to see Robin. She's stressed about graduate school, and I think taking a day to talk over lunch and forget about research projects and daunting exams will be helpful for both of us. Plus, I miss her.
What I struggle with now is deciding with what intensity I miss my old life. I long for my undergrad freedom and friends from time to time, but as I explore this avenue of life, my longing for who I was grows less intense. I need to be an adult, and I think I'm doing it right. But I still feel guilty for not longing for those I've recently left behind as much as I think I should. I still love them, and I'm learning now how to love without longing.
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