I need some advice, specifically from those of you who have completed graduate education. Please read further.
When I go to class, I sometimes get lost. Well, physically, yes, I get lost because the campus is so big. But what I mean is lost intellectually. I listen to my teachers, I take notes, I do my assigned reading. But then sometimes, no matter how much I prepared, I don't have a clue what is being discussed. For instance, a discussion of Aristotle's _Poetics_ in my Renaissance Tragedy class last week turned into a rumination on the symbology of causality in the anti-theatrics of Platonic royalists who struggled with predestination, or something equally as mind boggling. While the other students in class nod their heads, feverishly scratch in their notebooks, and seem to really understand what's going on, I begin hyperventilating, my eyes roll back in my sockets, and my underarms pour sweat. I have no clue what's being discussed, and I usually have very few context clues to guide me in forming some kind of working understanding.
So, I'm sure those of you more experienced in graduate education than me would tell me to just go look these things up, and I agree with you. However, my schedule doesn't. I can barely stay on top of the assigned reading, plus work and prepare for the composition class I assist in and still have time to sleep and eat. I don't know this language of academia, and I'm afraid it's going to show when the time comes for paper-writing.
Here's the catch, though. I'm not so sure I really want to know the language. Okay, for practicality's sake, it'd be nice to have a working understanding of what's being discussed in class. But that's as far as I'm willing to take this beast. I don't want to get so wrapped up in intellectual superiority that I miss the big picture: why this novel/poem/play has stood the test of time, why it is important for high school students to read it, why I am here to begin with (been questioning that last one a lot recently).
This is why I am in graduate school, for better or for worse:
1. It's free, basically. There are living expenses, but I'd have to pay those anywhere I lived.
2. I might will have more career opportunities with an MA in English than I will with a BA.
3. As a high school teacher, I'll better serve my students if I know more about literature (again, questionable at this point).
4. I can make more money teaching public school with a master's.
I don't want to be an academic. I don't want to lose myself into a world of struggling to publish and get tenure and blah. (I'd much rather wrestle with public school frameworks, rude teenagers, and No Child Left Behind. I'm being honest).
Most importantly, I don't want to forget who I am or where I came from. I'm a first-generation college graduate. In fact, I'm the only one in my family to have graduated from college. I don't ever want to think because I have more education I'm better than they are or lose the ability to communicate with them on a genuine, albeit blue collar, level. Those types of people--my people--the hairdresser and police officers and truck drivers, are what make this world go round, and I am proud to come from such an honest, hardworking heritage.
A heritage that doesn't require me to speak fluently in the language of academic-psycho-analytic-mumbo jumbo.
There, I've ranted. If you've stayed with me throughout this episode, god bless you.
Now, please tell me what I need to do to negotiate this situation while maintaining my integrity and cultural heritage.
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3 comments:
Don't worry about being lost--most people are in those courses. Eventually, the world starts making more sense, and you can put down the paper bag.
I felt odd the other day when a first year student was freaking out because she was the only one in the class--however, she's a first-year _PHD_ student. And I'm a second-year MA student. Just goes to show that even those who are choosing academia don't always feel confident, nor know what they're talking about.
Everyone blathers on about what they know (or think they know). When something comes up that you know a lot about, you will blather on and some else will feel inadequate.
There is no way that you can know ever debate that has gone on in the history of English studies. If the prof is not lecturing on it, it probably won't come up on a test. And if you are interested, you can look it up to use in a paper ; )
Didn't I tell you this would happen? I tell so many people that I lose track.
Listen. This happens to everybody. Chill out. Take the notes, listen, don't try to pretend (you'll keep the respect of your profs and fellow students if you refrain from BSing). One day a year from now (or a year and a half, or if you're me, two years), you will make a comment in class, catch yourself, and realize: I just used a term that I used to think was impenetrable jargon, and I know what I meant.
Every field has its special language only for initiates. You learn it by listening and being atune to context. Believe me, it will happen to you. Just be patient.
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