Revision

My classmate, Josh, enjoyed the beginnings of a poem I started back on August 25th in the 6-10 lines daily activity and asked me to expand it. I've taken his advice and added a stanza, but I'm not sure how it's working.

So, Josh, and anyone else, your comments, criticisms, and suggestions are gratefully welcomed.

8/25

And I ask you, Walt Whitman,
though I call not from a Supermarket in California
but from an Apartment in Tennessee,
Where is my self-defining lyric, my song of self?

Over past the nature trails and river bends
Shirtless young men ride skinny pink bicycles
with whizzing tires and clinking chains.
They have music each moment they journey.
Can you locate my tune?

You promised me, Walt,
That you’d be my poet when no one else would come near,
Because of my deeds and my dances, delights, loose.
I’m here, and I’m low, be my dearest friend.
Your song will be more to me than any of the rest.

Post Script: What I'm trying to do is weave in some images from Ginsberg at the beginning (though I'm not sure how I like that) and by the end, images from "Native Moments," one of my favorite Whitman poems. I'm not sure the third stanza grooves with the first two, and I'm not sure of this poem's lyric quality, but I like the Whitman influence, and I would much like to keep him in my poem, but I'm excited to hear ideas to make him less commandeering of my work.